Break Is Too Long...

I honestly can't believe I am saying this, but I am ready to go back to school. I am actually tired of sleeping in and not doing anything. I pray for these opportunities during the semester...and now I'm like "Yeah, so I'm bored..." I have also managed to completely throw my sleep pattern out of whack which would explain why I am posting at 4:20 in the morning. I found out my rotation for next semester starts in Peds and I end in OB. I'm pretty excited about that, and I like my new clinical group (I think, lol).

On a more serious note, I was reading one of my favorite blogs Minority Midwifery Student and she always manages to make me think. I think of all the times I turn my head at blatant ignorance or all of the ways I convince myself that I am being too paranoid or sensitive. At times I ignore things because I am lazy. I don't want to take the time, energy or emotion to explain reality to people that I feel I can never get through to. Other times I ignore things because I am selfish. I don't want to constantly feel uncomfortable or isolated or in fact make other people feel that way. I am a firm believer in just because its easy doesn't mean its right. However, easy is easier than right. I feel stressed. And I know STRESS is real. Diseases related to stress are real. Racism that leads to stress that leads to diseases related to stress are real. No matter how far people think we have come it is just some sort of pacifying thought to let them be able to sleep at night knowing their ancestors raped and enslaved my ancestors. But that was a long time ago right? No it was not. The Tuskeegee experiments didn't end until the 1970s. I did not know this until this year and it hit so close to home I cried. They could have experimented on my daddy, or my granddaddy...how can I not feel that stress. More importantly, why is it so hard for them, those holding the white privilege, to feel this stress? Its like talking to a brick wall. A very tall, very wide, very expansive brick wall. Again I am tired and drained just thinking about it all.

I'm back and I'm alive...

Yeah so I kicked some nursing school butt this semester. Finals are over and I did rather fine if I do say so myself. Rumor has it that this was the hardest semester, so I am really excited for next semester. We start out in OB "YEA!!!" Enough about school though, I am sure I will have plenty to elaborate on next semester.

I get commissioned on Tuesday. Not sure what to expect but I am hoping for something small and quick, lol. I am just so excited to get my ID and all the military discounts, sad but true. I would really like to actually go and shadow an Air Force midwife, I just wonder how everything really works. Is there shift work, or how does on call work and what is it like having this career with children...you know blah, blah, blah. Anyhow, can you believe Christmas is less than 10 days away! I am trying to sneak and get Q something nice for Christmas. It snuck up so fast!!! Not much more to say so I'll talk to you later.

Wow its December...

This semester has flown...I only have 1.5 more weeks of school. I am really excited to do nothing let me say! I have done well this semester so there really is no stress over exams except that which I put on myself. With that said, lets talk about self pride. If you want to be a quality women's health provider, why would you skip out on a free conference (that by the way was part of our clinical hour requirements) specifically related to OB/GYN. No we are not MDs, nor are we planning to be, but we have to be aware of them and their practices in order to facilitate our patients in making the most informed decisions possible. Without sounding judgmental, I feel that some of my classmates' behavior was irresponsible and just plain lazy; if we had to be at the hospital, everyone would have shown up. I mean do you really want to be a good provider? It is imperative that we are on top of the most current practices so that we can offer or choose not to offer the same newest evidence based practices to our patients. Just to finish off my rant, I will be damned if I feel comfortable letting someone that doesn't study for exams or come to class or even remotely seem competent practice a pap smear on me. Its not going to happen, and if you ask, I will tell you that is why I don't want you poking around in my vagina. Damn that and have a nice day thank you very much!

So, I haven't even started Christmas shopping yet...I am clearly on a strict budget so looking for good deals is vital. I plan on doing quite a bit of sewing and getting my Martha Stewart on. I hope everyone likes their gift (if not at least pretend to, lol). I am trying to figure out something for my sister in laws ages 20 and 22 that doesn't cost a lot. Any ideas let me know. I am also trying to hunt down an old school Nintendo with Mario and Duck Hunt for the husband. He has really been great and supportive this semester so I want to surprise him again without breaking the bank. Anyhow, I will be able to write more since school will be out soon...take care everyone as your semesters are coming to an end...

Still kickin...

Don't worry I am still alive...I made it through a terrible week and got barely above average grades to show for it. Don't even care enough to talk about it...

Clinicals have been quite an experience. I was expecting this to be the best rotation ever and I pray to God that it is not. I am on the OB/GYN floor, so I thought "Yea! Pregnant women and their babies!" and all I have gotten is hysterectomies and cancer. How depressing is it to see all these women in labor or wheeling their babies back to their room and I am taking care of a 60 yo terminal cancer patient. Poor me, but more importantly poor patient, at least this rotation is up in two weeks, but this poor woman is going to die. It is rather depressing. Can't wait til it is over.

I have a MUCH needed week off from school, in which I will be traveling to my family in New Jersey's house. 14 hours of fun!!! Anyhow I am excited to see everyone and to go shopping...and to be away from school. I am going to get some rest before we hit the road, but hopefully I will have some good pics to share when I get home. Happy Holidays!!!

Hell Week

This week is nuts!!! But I am blogging therefore it has not killed me yet! Here's the schedule get ready to laugh this is hysterical (or so I keep telling myself to keep from crying again):
Monday: business as usual 3 classes 8-3
Tuesday: Math Test, 2 classes
Wednesday: Hardest Pharm test of semester
Thursday: Clinical 9-6
Friday: Clinical 6-2:30
Saturday: HEHI exam, POC due
Monday: Group Paper Due
Tuesday: 8 page paper due
So the good news so far is that I got a much need 100% on the math test, the Pharm Test was not as bad as I thought it would be so hopefully that means I did well, and we can finalize the group paper Sat. Now all I have to do is figure out how to take care of a patient while studying for my HEHI exam...hmmm...probably not a good idea. Everything else is smooth sailing...Thanksgiving Break then back for exams. This semester is flying!

Sometimes the doctor orders a good cry...

Around week 2, the director of our program said that around week 5 and 6 people start having melt downs. Week 5 passed, I was cool. Week 6 passed, still nothing. I should have known that my stubbornness would delay my breakdown to week 10. It is Sunday night before my "hell" week and instead of doing more much needed studying, I am going to go into the office turn off the lights and proceed to cry. I feel as though I don't have a grasp on anything right now. I am not adding any help financially to the house and at this time of year (holiday purchases, holiday travel) this is not good. Are we hurting no, but am I tired of my husband making references to th e fact that I could/should have kept my old job for another year (not that there aren't times when I don't miss getting waxed and getting my hair done every other week), YES. So, he's grumpy, I'm grumpy; I just wish I could fix it. Is it possible to have a sparkling clean house, fit back into my size 6 jeans (w/o loss of circulation to my brain), look half-way fashionable, cook for my husband, fit in sex, get good grades, and not be addicted to some sort of performance enhancing drug? I didn't think so. That cool, now if you will excuse me, I am going to pretend its my party and choose to cry because I want to...You would cry too if grad school happened to you!

P.S. I did pass all my check off's.

That's Lt. Baby Catcher!

Applause, cheering, jumping with exitement...keep it coming ladies and gentlemen, because I got the scholarship!!!! The USAF picked me. In a few weeks, I will be 2nd Lt. Harris. Then in 6 semesters, I will be a midwife. I have to keep reminding myself of these things so that I can keep a positive attitude even when I think what I am doing is dumb. Okay, off to study! Just thought I would let you know.

Bring It On...and keep it movin!

Sometimes I feel like there is so much to do that it just really doesn't matter anymore. Another paper, another test...sure, bring it on. Tomorrow I have an 8 hour orientation on my floor. What could we possibly be doing for eight hours? Good thing my PDA has solitaire, lol! The only thing that annoys me is that we have a super, big, bad skills test on Friday. There is a lot, I mean a lot of information to cover. Whine, whine, whine...okay I feel much better now...off to study.

I thought I was being sensitive...

My husband lovingly jokes that I am very militant. I wouldn't say militant, I would say sensitive. I am very sensitive to the fact that there are only 14 black students in my class. I do feel a slight tightening in my stomach when we talk about African Americans in class. I do not know if that is a simple reaction to listening to a person talk so authoritatively about a culture that they have never been a part of or that I feel like they are making subliminal messages that are creating bias in the minds of my classmates. I sometimes wonder if it would be better if to have lived back in the '40s or '50s at least racism was overt and not subliminal or whispered about amongst friends. I like knowing where people stand. If you have issues with me because I am black, or certain preconceptions about me because I am as tan as you try and get at the salon/beach, let me know. And please do not insult my intelligence and tell me that racism does not exist. Somedays it is just more conspicuous than others. I see it everyday. I feel it everyday. I can't talk about it because then I might be misunderstood and become isolated from my peers. I feel like I have to be on time and I have to be top of my class because I don't want to be the token black that is always late and struggling to keep up with the material. So no matter what people try to close their eyes to, or insist does not exist, I see it. I see and I feel racism every moment of every day.

This laugh was just in time...

My advisor sent this to me...it is too cute!

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.


Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This
is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.


"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is
doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.


"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.


"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!


"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys
inside there."


Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle
Wife" comes along.

Just Breathe...

Every day I feel like I am barely holding on to my sanity. What paper is due this week? Exam next week, no oh good, wait, two exams next week. Oh and don't forget that you are a wife, too. That means: laundry, bills, clean house. Just breathe, right? Nobody died from grad school, they just wanted to every day of it. P.S. if I hear one more damn lecture about what stress does to my body I will scream...here's an idea "STOP STRESSING ME OUT!"

Sad News...

My husband's grandmother past away this weekend. Lillie B. Yuille. The sweetest old lady on the block. The woman that had her engagement ring reset into a necklace so that I would have something old to wear on my wedding day. The woman that is the epitome of a village raising a child. We will love and miss you dearly, but Q and I are so happy that you get to be back with Grandpa and get to watch all your babies from a better place.

I got my clinical grade back. 87=B+. Not horrible, but I could have and will do much better. This semester is flying by. I have a midterm due Tuesday and hospital clinicals are in 2wks!!! In 25 months, I will be a midwife!!! Hopefully in Italy, or Japan, of Panama City, good ol' USAF. (Pick me, pick me!!!).

I would love to get an extern position on an OB floor over the holiday break. That would be huge, but I am not sure where to find info, I think I am going to pick some of my wonderful professors' brains to see if they have any connections. If anyone else is in middle TN and has any opening please let me know.

Well I am headed back to Chattanooga after class today. The services are on Friday, so I will post sometime next week. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers.

Suprise!!!

I got an A on my Pharm test. I would write more, but I am still in shock...okay maybe a little bit more. I haven't gotten my clinical grade back, still don't think its nice, but again I got an A on my Pharm test and that's all that matters right now. I have 3 papers due over the next two weeks so I am going to do a little research then I am going to hit the road to my in-laws. Have a good weekend y'all.

2nd and 3rd test

This week Vanderbilt's accelerated MSN program served me my a$$ on a platter...I had two back to back exams and they were nothing nice. Not so good on the clinical exam, better on the pharm...

So, I am going to be a "hater" for a moment...There is a substantially lower learning curve for many people in my class. Hey people that are paramedics or LPNs, how about you pair up with us "non-hospital experienced" students instead of watching us stumble through lab. By the way, I still hate lab. Last week, my male partner, male!!!, was practicing the cardiac assessment on me and I was so uncomfortable. I know, I know it is all for the sake of learning, but it is my breast (that I am only willing to share with my husband and our future kids). Again, I was so uncomfortable having him search for my 4th and 5th ICS with happened to be under my bosom. He was really nice (and I did feel a lil weird touching him, he was super muscular and all I can think is that if I am noticing how muscular he is , is he noticing how flabby I am?) In the world of make believe, I love my body and have all the confidence in the world. But in reality, I feel like damn, I am one cupcake away from obese.

I am volunteering at a clinic now. My job description is calling in referral and contacting patients for right now. The coordinator said that after I passed the NCLEX I could do more assisting with the midwives, very exciting! I am really excited and even more excited that they are excited to have me. I am still waiting for news from good old Uncle Sam, but I plan on getting the scholarship! Well, I am off to Facebook stalk for a little bit ;-) No tests next week!

First test of School

We got the result back from our first test this week...the class average was a 91% Ladies and gentlemen, I got above average!!!! For the first time in a long while, I am pulling up the average. Onward and Upward is what I say! 1 test down, Pharm and Foundations of Clinical nursing to go this week. I think I can, I think I can! My husband and I have a deal, and its a good one, so my motivation is high. Well that's all for now.

Please help me understand...

I know that my reading audience is small right now, but I value the knowledge of those two wonderfully intelligent women, so could you answer me this...Why is inducing labor so popular now?

Babies, Babies, Everywhere!

So my sister in-law had her beautiful baby girl. All 6lbs of her are very pretty, but she seems very lethargic. They (as in I assume the docs at the hospital) say it is due to the epidural. Is it me or is that really scary? She had an epidural 2.5 days ago and the baby is still feeling its effects...wow. Not to mention, my sister in law said "...the contractions didn't hurt, it was the pressure that was uncomfortable." My reply: "...of course it didn't hurt, you had an epidural when you were 3 cm." The nurse gave her an epidural early in the game so that she wouldn't feel too much pain when the doctor broke her water. They also sent her home with bagfuls of formula and a nipple shield. Bagfuls of formula to a mother who was in tears because her baby was latching on but not sucking. Here's a thought, maybe she wasn't sucking because she was still drugged up. My lil' sis is feeling rather overwhelmed at all the post-partum information and stated I wish someone had told me some of this before. Ding, ding, ding!!! This is all that I want, patients to be able to be make informed decisions. In order to make informed decisions, education must be performed FIRST. I think it would probably be better to educate before the baby gets here, and before the hormones are all over the place.
Everything I have been reading on other blogs has come to surface it seems in this experience. An unnecessary inductions, super aggressive drug intervention, the hospitals pushing formula like drug dealers none of these things seemed out of the ordinary to anyone else except for me. I did not want to make anyone feel uncomfortable about their experience, but all I could do was vent to my husband that this is not what I want for our children, really anyone's children. I am having such a hard time with this hospital childbirth situation.
Speaking of hospital births, my sister just told me she is expecting her third child. Congratulations!? I add a question mark because I know that this was not planned and she had actually made plans to go back to school to eventually become a midwife. I just pray that she is still able to explore that path.

Yea Babies!!!!

A must have!

After searching long and hard, I have found some shoes for clinical. They are comfy, supportive, and I may be biased, but I think they are so cute. Not to mention, they were on sale!!!! I also finally picked up my blood pressure cuff and some extra cushy socks. My husband has however forbade me from wearing any shoes that are going to walking around on hospital floors with "all those gross germy medical things" (lol, gotta love him) in my house. I can't say I blame him. I have recently stopped eating in the hospital cafeteria, all those uniforms reaching over my salad...you get the picture.
My sister-in-law had a healthy baby girl at 6:51 today. Both mom and baby are doing well. Prayer does work!! Anyhow, I have to get up early and practice my sterile techniques with my classmates. So I bid everyone adieu.

Why Am I So Upset?

Let me start this post by saying I love my in-laws. Most of them are some of the best people I have ever been privileged to know. I truly care for them, more than they know...Now on the meat.

I AM SO UPSET!!!! There is a younger member of the family (under 20yo.) that is very pregnant. When I say very pregnant, I mean 2 cm dilated, being induced Thursday if no progress seen (reason for induction deserves a whole nother post and I have a trillion questions, but I am just the sister in law right?). This child that is about to have a child and has no clue. NO CLUE. How is she ever going to be successful at pushing a baby out if she doesn't know where her perineum is, nevertheless what an episiotomy entails? If someone was going to cut open my vagina, I would want to know the details. No, her ignorance is not entirely her fault, but why has her doctor not made sure her patient is informed?

My people, my people. Ignorance doesn't make things go away. Acting like a 8 yo. is not going to fight exhaustion during labor, its not going to prevent a perfectly healthy woman from having an unnecessary c-section. Knowledge is power. Knowledge is the difference between being convinced that you can't do it and convincing yourself and everyone else that you can do anything. In this instance, my tears may go in vain. But God help me, my patients will be empowered and have enough knowledge to do whatever, however they feel is best for their babies and their lives.

I am a midwife...okay in 26 mos., technicalities ;)

How things are going...

Tomorrow will be the end of my second week of school. Some people seem so stressed out. I feel as calm as I ever have...and that is making me very nervous. I have my first quiz next week, and I am going to start studying Friday. That's five solid study days. Then I have my first exam the next week, so if I start focusing on that Tuesday that will give me eight days of studying. The plan is in place, now all I have to do is execute. That should be the easy part right, lol. I am a self professed procrastinator. Lord help me get off the couch.

My next area of anxiety is that next week is our assessment of weight and BMI and what not. Right, so I know that I need to lose weight, but I hide it well under strategically placed clothing. Now, I have to take off my shirt and have someone pinch my fat. Confidence shooting through the roof as we speak. I will have to face this obstacle, but I think I really need to utilize the health center nutrition center, sooner than later.

Okay thats all I have to say about that.

A good fit

Have you ever had a pair of jeans that made you smile when you slipped them on? Having no need to wiggle, lay on the bed, or say the Lord's prayer before they would zip. That is how I feel about school. Lecture material is covered and I am like "Oh, that makes sense." I can appreciate this considering I spent two years lost in course material in my former program. I'm not sure if this is because of previous exposure to some of the material or if this means this is where I am supposed to be. I will go with the latter. However what I will attest to is my lack of APA formatting knowledge. As funny as it is, I got the impression that it is taken extremely seriously in my programs. (Who ever heard of losing points for putting two spaces after a punctuation mark?!) I guess this means I will have to actually finish a paper more that 2 hours before it is due, lol.

I am still excited which is amazing after a long 3 days of orientation. I came home and put on my official "add name of school here" lab coat with my official "add name of school here" stethoscope and for a moment looked very official. I proceeded to quickly remove all aforementioned apparel before someone actually got the wrong idea that I knew anything or was proficient in any area of medicine! My husband did say I looked cute though, and that is all that matters right?

On another note, the hubby and I have decided it would be a good option for me to pursue the Air Force scholarship. So, I called my recruiter back and I am set to meet next week to get the paperwork back in order. I am really excited about this because I have been reading a lot of posts about women on bases looking for midwives, not to mention they pay all my tuition and fees and military never looks bad on the resume. If you want more info on these scholarships let me know, I will post a link.

Did I mention that I am excited?

First Day of School

So, today was my first day of school. It was a little anti-climatic. I mean don't get me wrong, I am still extremely excited, but orientation was SOOOOOOOO boring. I have been reading up on all these ways to be successful in nursing school and a common thread is sitting in the front row. So, I figured I would start out right and I sat in the front. However, there were the most obnoxious people sitting behind me. When I say obnoxious, I mean the "If you say another word I am going to gouge out your eyes and make you eat them" type. Have you ever had those people who are extra corny, interrupt the presenters, and make comments non-stop? Well I had two right behind me. Ugggh!
I did meet quite a few nice women and all the people in my specialty seem really passionate and dedicated. I think our class is going to be one of the best yet. Oh, yeah and I love my advisors, they are so laid back and down to earth. I can't wait to get started.
On a sad note, as I was waiting in line to explain why the community college I took my prerequisites at hadn't sent my transcripts in, a girl basically got asked to leave the program and REAPPLY next fall when she could prove she had taken her prerequisites. I wanted to cry for her. I'm just glad my grades got posted and if need be, I will drive up the school and get the transcript myself!
We got our schedules too, as soon as they are finalized I will post them. The only thing I was not feeling was the fact that we would be doing assessment on eachother, I don't want to see myself half naked and I certainly don't want my classmates to see me. Hmmm, I wonder if I can get out of that one.

I'm all ready, all set!

I'm going to nursing school, I'm going to nursing school!!!!! I realize that this may sound odd considering classes start on the 20th of August, but I was conditionally admitted pending the completion of Anatomy and Physiology, Nutrition, and Developmental Psychology. I got my final grades today from Psych and Nutrition, and I got an A and a B respectively. Yea!!!!!! So again, happy getting in dance.

On another note, I got a couple of my course syallabi...I guess its time to get reading. I am so ridiculously excited!

Tax Free Weekend

I used to dread school clothes shopping, I'm still not really that excited but I know it must be done. So, since I am starting a new program and it is tax free weekend I am giving my fashion diva cousin free creative reign (within reason of course) and my american express card to tear it up in Atlanta.

I will take a few breaths of air to finish my nutrition coursework by Sunday night, and then Monday it is time to study for the exam. I have to get a 70% to pass the class, which shouldn't be too difficult right? Then, it will be count down until school begins. I feel like a kid at Christmas, August 20th can't come soon enough! I hope this enthusiasm doesn't wane, if it ever does, I definitely have my tuition bills as motivation, lol!

Dotting my "I's" and crossing my "t's"

Today I marked off one of the last few prerequisites for my program: I got my BLS certification. (only the dreaded online Nutrition course and Developmental Psych left) Before I digress, let me tell you about this training. The instructors were really fun and helpful and the 3.5 hours flew by. I also met two of my future classmates that although they would be pursuing different specialties, we will take the same pre-specialty courses. During the training all I could think was can I do this? Am I ready to be put in emergency situations where my skill level could mean the difference between life and death?....Hecks yeah! Even practicing on Big Blue (my simulation dummy) I could feel the adrenalin peaking in. I guess this is what is so enticing about all the medical dramas on network television now. And while this rush was thrilling, it made me realize even more while I want to become a nurse practitioner...I never want to feel helpless, or have anyone around me feel helpless, ever.

I guess my reasoning for choosing this career is a bit odd, because what person walks around saying "Helplessness, please rain down on me!" but it is honestly one of my biggest fears. Maybe this is just one of the characteristics of my need to be in control nature or it just might be a justifiable reason to go into the health care profession. Justified or not, it is why I am putting my life on hold and taking out an outrageous amount in federal loans. I have never felt so in control of my life.

A new start!

I am so excited to start my accelerated MSN program. So, I figured it was a great time to start documenting the entire 27 months on my journey to become a certified nurse midwife. Hopefully, this can be helpful to others and I can get some advice along the way, too!