School days...

My friend minority midwife has truly piqued my interest. She speaks of no more midwifery students until programs can support them. I agree five million percent. So we all signed up for this program realizing that we would be traveling for our clinicals. However, we were all under the impression that our wishes to be near family or friends would be taken into some sort of consideration. Absolutely not the case. We might as well have drawn names out of a hat for clinical placement. Please don't get me wrong, I understand how difficult it must be to find good sites for 20 students in a state where midwifery is just not catching on yet. My issue is either don't let so many students into the specialty or don't give us the false impression that the faculty is trying to make this as manageable as possible. Just tell us "hey we don't really know where would be the best clinical site for you based on your personality or skill set, so this is random, sorry." It would still suck, but at least it would be out in the open and our option to deal. An hour okay, but 3 hours twice a week that is a lot. And how are we supposed to afford additional gas and hotel lodging? Oh yes, we have the option of filling out piles of paperwork to get additional LOAN money. Come on school that I am donating $985 per credit hour to, surely y'all can come up with some scholarship money to help negate the expense. Amazing, absurd, whatever you want to call it. This is the life of a midwifery student.

Hello hormones

I just broke down sobbing because we are out of cheese and I am sleepy. My uterine occupant is making me crazy. Poor hubby really thought something was wrong. And it is crunch time at school, kill me now.

November is here!

Yesterday was a powerful day for me. Now, I can truly tell my son (or daughter) that he a brown man can be anything he wants to be when he grows up. I get choked up thinking about my aunties and other family members marched and sat in and faced tear gas for moments just like this. I can't believe this. This is absolutely amazing. The president-elect is a QUALIFIED man of color. Now we just need to cover him in the blood and keep him safe, the Lord has plans for him!

I had my first ultrasound on Monday and it was the most exciting 5 minutes of my life, lol. It was so quick. The funniest moment of the morning was seeing my husband eyes get the size of baseballs when he saw the transvaginal probe they were using. Poor guy was thinking a lil gel on the tummy and up comes the picture. He is incredible: supportive, helpful, excited. I honestly could not ask for anything else. I love my man!

School is actually looking up, I have been kicking butt on my exams recently. Doing quite a bit of make up for the first round of exams. I am exhausted but making it. So if I can just make it past Thanksgiving I think I will enjoy getting reasonably round. 

Concerns

It is very difficult to sit in a class discussing all the things that can go wrong during pregnancy while you are pregnant. Blighted ovum, molar pregnancy, ectopics, neural tube defects...and the list goes on and on. All I can do is take my prenatal vitamins and trust in God. While I know pregnancy is normal my hormones DON'T! I am worried, okay I said it out loud I am worried. Every twinge or cramp makes me run through mental lists of complications. I don't wanna tell the hubby because I don't want to worry him. I just need to make it past Thanksgiving into my second trimester maybe that will calm me down, just maybe but prolly not.

Next topic, I am huge. Like can't put on regular jeans or non-baggy shirts huge. My friends say they can only see it in my face, however the husband and I see it everywhere. I am 6wks 1 d and I have already gone up a cup size and gladly put on my maternity pants every day. The family joke is that there are two in there...TWINS! Ummm, not sure how I feel about that. The even more ironic thing is that I have had two very vivid dreams about having twins (one prior to any rumblings about twins from the family).  Would that be possible...? 

Ummm where did September go?

So I looked at the calendar and realized what the damn its October! So lets recap.... 

1. On September 4, I got my IUC removed (it was good for two years until I kept getting cysts on my ovaries).

2. On September 15, I became declared minimally competent by the state of Tennessee as a professional nurse...i.e. I passed the N-Clex and became an RN.

3. September 30, I survived my first round of exams as a midwifery student...not exactly pretty but okay.

4. October 2, I found out I am expecting our first child...yep I'm PREGGERS!

5. October 3, I realized how incredibly blessed I am to have such a great husband and great friends.

6. October 6, I had the best conversation ever with a fellow student midwife...baby dust to you friend!

Did you get all of that? Yup it has been a busy month! A very exciting, ever changing, busy month. 

I'm Back

According to my school, I am now a midwifery student.  Did you hear that? I am a MIDWIFERY STUDENT!...No more lectures on handwashing, no more awful blue scrubs, no more "fill in the blank on whateva I hated about my first year". I am sure I sounded this excited the first few weeks of the program last year at this time, but it is different, I promise. I have had the ah ha moment in my life that I pray my hubby finds soon, lol. I am supposed to be a midwife, I am focused and eager to learn at the first mention of menses. Its like losing your favorite pair of jeans and then finding them a month later. Its just right. However, I have faced my first ethical issue...the "Pap"athon. This is where we students participate in providing women who otherwise may have not been able to afford a pelvic exam an opportunity to receive a free pap. That's how I have decided to believe all my classmates feel about this event and not as a way to simply get more pap experience...that is what will let me sleep at night. So, I heard the ACNM conference was great last year and we were told to be prepared to spend $1000 on it this year...ouch. Guess no vacation with the hubby unless I can petition the office of diversity to sponsor me. Any suggestions? I ordered my new school shoes I will post them later ;)

Dissatisfaction

Lately my main reassuring thought is "It could be worse." The more I think that, the sadder I realize it is. I have rarely depended on other people for my happiness, rarely depended on others for much of anything really. However, it can be sad and very difficult to have little to no expectations for people or situations. At the same time, it is so much easier to expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised than raising expectations and getting hurt over and over. I am not sure if this specific to anyone person or situation, it just "is". I know I am blessed, I know I am gifted so what right do I have to not be happy? So, I will continue to play an extremely happy person on tv. And no matter how dissatisfied or blah I feel, I will always resolve to saying "It could be worse."

Summer Semester

So after having a whopping 4 days off, summer semester is in full swing (as of April 28). I am proud to say I have gone to every class this semester. Yea me! Anyhow, I have just gotten off of my OB/GYN rotation and it left quite a bit to be desired. This rotation has just confirmed my fears of having a baby in a hospital. One of my clients in L&D wanted to have an intervention free delivery and came in with a very specific birth plan. My favorite comment made amongst the multitudes of derogatory comments made was "If she doesn't want our help she should have never came here." I was thinking wow these nurses sure are using the term "help" loosely. I had to hold my tongue quite a bit as to not jeopardize the relationship with this floor and the school of nursing and failing clinical, but I was livid. What was the point of bad mouthing this family? How was she making anyone's job more difficult? Just because she was so called "different" does not give anyone the right to talk about someone so meanly. It was just plain mean and wrong.

My sister recently had a baby. She was induced at 39 4/7 weeks. She called me to tell me she was being induced and I immediately became concerned because she had a bout of eclampsia with her last baby. She then proceeded to tell me she was tired of being pregnant so her doctor was going to induce her. Wow. My sister that thinks she wants to be a midwife is willingly subjecting herself to an unnecessary intervention. And then gets mad at me because I tell her I think it is a bad idea. Blah, blah, blah many hours and much pitocin later her labor "stalls" and she is given the option of an epidural or a c-section. Epidural it was. On a positive note at least she got to rest and still have a vaginal delivery. I was just frustrated because this is her third baby and she did not have an epidural with the last baby, so she knew she could do it; what changed her mind? Why did she not trust her body to go into labor naturally? Why did her doctor even offer an induction? I guess I just don't get it. But if that is the experience she wanted then I am happy for her and I thank God that her and my niece are healthy and home. I am working on being supportive without letting my bias get in the way, it is just very hard for me at times.

On another note, all I have left now is bootcamp and the NCLEX. Bring it on!!! Then I will no longer be a nursing student, but a midwifery student. So close, so close 56 days to be exact (not that I am counting). Okay, enough procrastinating off to write a paper about writing a paper (I mean that literally, sad but true).

Yea Spring Time!

Hey ya'll!!! I am back. I know I am a bad blogger but I am trying. So I have gone through another rotation: Adult. I have to admit I had the worst attitude ever going into this rotation. But it quite honestly was the best experience I have had yet. My instructor was absolutely more committed to learning than to paperwork. And I feel like we learned more in this rotation than in any other. I know my instructor does not read this blog, but if she were to stumble upon it I would love for her to know how much I LOVE JB. I also found a floor that I would love to work on as an RN. Surprisingly it is on the burn unit. The nurses cared about eachother and the patients and really had a great demeanor. I would sign up to work there any day. So in summary I loved my adult rotation. Now I am onto OB/GYN.

On another note, I am kinda disappointed in my work ethic this semester. I have been ridiculously LAZY. I did not study. I did not go to class. I did not try. I need to have more pride in my career even though I don't plan on working as an RN I still need to have a better attitude and work ethic. The Lord has really blessed me with this opportunity to become a midwife and I am being lazy. What right do I have to behave this way? I have excuse after excuse, but really I am just lazy and need to step it up. Soooooo....it is my goal to go to every class and spend one hour each day going over material outside of class. I want to be the best I can be, I mean in real life I am going to be taking care of patients and their babies, I would hate to have to explain that I missed a diagnosis because I skipped class to get a mani/pedi. So for this summer semester which starts tomorrow, my charge is to step up my game.

On to psych

So Peds was not my favorite, but I had the best instructor ever. He really let us do a lot of hands on interventions and be pretty autonomous. It is definitely not for me, but again I really appreciate those who can work with the kiddies. Glad I don't have to do this again.

Now I am in psych. Lets start with the positive: 1. very personable instructor 2. short days 3. really, really interesting 4. lunch is really good. Now with the less than positive: 1. can be very boring 2. psych hospital is very dreary 3. I feel so uncomfortable 4. the nurses hate students, patients, their jobs in general (makes for a great learning environment). I will be fine if I never have to work in area ever again.

My posts are rather dry now a days and that is so appropriate to how I feel about school at this point. Kinda blah. I just want to take the NClex and move on to my specialty year. But at this juncture, I feel like every class I take is a waste of my time and I would rather be doing anything else than listen to these people talk about things I could care much less about. Please just let me get to my women's health and midwifery classes. I constantly find myself not paying attention in class or on the internet or blogging rather than working on an assignment I have due tuesday. I really am just tired of being in school. I don't know how I am going to make it though another 2 years. I can and I will, I just really don't want to. If anyone can send me some motivation please do so, I have no money but I can cook and sew so just holla at your girl. Okay bed time. My effort is to blog a little more than once a month.

Peds...Not so much

I am giving it the benefit of the doubt, but I am pretty sure I do not like Peds... Kids are kinda icky. Like nose picking, snot and booger eating, hand licking, super contagious carrying little people icky. And it is ridiculously difficult to see their adorably sticky faces grimace in pain. Plus, there is a huge communication barrier. However, I may grow to love it. Grow kinda like all those germs and bacteria on the hands of my new patients.

P.S. For any family reading this, yes, I do want children someday...right after I buy stock in wet ones and antibacterial products.

Let it go!

I usually hate getting forwards and often delete them before reading, but something told me to read this particular email the other day. It was written by T.D. Jakes and entitled "Let It Go!"

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.

I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.

And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.

And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

Stop Begging people to stay! .

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,

Then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you .

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you! U have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.

GOD is doing a new thing for 2008!!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. Think about it, and then .

LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle is the Lord's!"

This applies to too many aspects of my life...I hope this could touch you too.

Happy New Year!!

New Year's Resolutions

1. Sit wherever I want in class.
2. Stop eating because I am bored.
3. Eat breakfast everyday.
4. Look at my notes after every class.
5. Workout at least 4x a week.
6. Like myself and don't apologize for it.
7. Don't let other people ruin my day.

Happy New Year y'all!

Break Is Too Long...

I honestly can't believe I am saying this, but I am ready to go back to school. I am actually tired of sleeping in and not doing anything. I pray for these opportunities during the semester...and now I'm like "Yeah, so I'm bored..." I have also managed to completely throw my sleep pattern out of whack which would explain why I am posting at 4:20 in the morning. I found out my rotation for next semester starts in Peds and I end in OB. I'm pretty excited about that, and I like my new clinical group (I think, lol).

On a more serious note, I was reading one of my favorite blogs Minority Midwifery Student and she always manages to make me think. I think of all the times I turn my head at blatant ignorance or all of the ways I convince myself that I am being too paranoid or sensitive. At times I ignore things because I am lazy. I don't want to take the time, energy or emotion to explain reality to people that I feel I can never get through to. Other times I ignore things because I am selfish. I don't want to constantly feel uncomfortable or isolated or in fact make other people feel that way. I am a firm believer in just because its easy doesn't mean its right. However, easy is easier than right. I feel stressed. And I know STRESS is real. Diseases related to stress are real. Racism that leads to stress that leads to diseases related to stress are real. No matter how far people think we have come it is just some sort of pacifying thought to let them be able to sleep at night knowing their ancestors raped and enslaved my ancestors. But that was a long time ago right? No it was not. The Tuskeegee experiments didn't end until the 1970s. I did not know this until this year and it hit so close to home I cried. They could have experimented on my daddy, or my granddaddy...how can I not feel that stress. More importantly, why is it so hard for them, those holding the white privilege, to feel this stress? Its like talking to a brick wall. A very tall, very wide, very expansive brick wall. Again I am tired and drained just thinking about it all.

I'm back and I'm alive...

Yeah so I kicked some nursing school butt this semester. Finals are over and I did rather fine if I do say so myself. Rumor has it that this was the hardest semester, so I am really excited for next semester. We start out in OB "YEA!!!" Enough about school though, I am sure I will have plenty to elaborate on next semester.

I get commissioned on Tuesday. Not sure what to expect but I am hoping for something small and quick, lol. I am just so excited to get my ID and all the military discounts, sad but true. I would really like to actually go and shadow an Air Force midwife, I just wonder how everything really works. Is there shift work, or how does on call work and what is it like having this career with children...you know blah, blah, blah. Anyhow, can you believe Christmas is less than 10 days away! I am trying to sneak and get Q something nice for Christmas. It snuck up so fast!!! Not much more to say so I'll talk to you later.

Wow its December...

This semester has flown...I only have 1.5 more weeks of school. I am really excited to do nothing let me say! I have done well this semester so there really is no stress over exams except that which I put on myself. With that said, lets talk about self pride. If you want to be a quality women's health provider, why would you skip out on a free conference (that by the way was part of our clinical hour requirements) specifically related to OB/GYN. No we are not MDs, nor are we planning to be, but we have to be aware of them and their practices in order to facilitate our patients in making the most informed decisions possible. Without sounding judgmental, I feel that some of my classmates' behavior was irresponsible and just plain lazy; if we had to be at the hospital, everyone would have shown up. I mean do you really want to be a good provider? It is imperative that we are on top of the most current practices so that we can offer or choose not to offer the same newest evidence based practices to our patients. Just to finish off my rant, I will be damned if I feel comfortable letting someone that doesn't study for exams or come to class or even remotely seem competent practice a pap smear on me. Its not going to happen, and if you ask, I will tell you that is why I don't want you poking around in my vagina. Damn that and have a nice day thank you very much!

So, I haven't even started Christmas shopping yet...I am clearly on a strict budget so looking for good deals is vital. I plan on doing quite a bit of sewing and getting my Martha Stewart on. I hope everyone likes their gift (if not at least pretend to, lol). I am trying to figure out something for my sister in laws ages 20 and 22 that doesn't cost a lot. Any ideas let me know. I am also trying to hunt down an old school Nintendo with Mario and Duck Hunt for the husband. He has really been great and supportive this semester so I want to surprise him again without breaking the bank. Anyhow, I will be able to write more since school will be out soon...take care everyone as your semesters are coming to an end...

Still kickin...

Don't worry I am still alive...I made it through a terrible week and got barely above average grades to show for it. Don't even care enough to talk about it...

Clinicals have been quite an experience. I was expecting this to be the best rotation ever and I pray to God that it is not. I am on the OB/GYN floor, so I thought "Yea! Pregnant women and their babies!" and all I have gotten is hysterectomies and cancer. How depressing is it to see all these women in labor or wheeling their babies back to their room and I am taking care of a 60 yo terminal cancer patient. Poor me, but more importantly poor patient, at least this rotation is up in two weeks, but this poor woman is going to die. It is rather depressing. Can't wait til it is over.

I have a MUCH needed week off from school, in which I will be traveling to my family in New Jersey's house. 14 hours of fun!!! Anyhow I am excited to see everyone and to go shopping...and to be away from school. I am going to get some rest before we hit the road, but hopefully I will have some good pics to share when I get home. Happy Holidays!!!

Hell Week

This week is nuts!!! But I am blogging therefore it has not killed me yet! Here's the schedule get ready to laugh this is hysterical (or so I keep telling myself to keep from crying again):
Monday: business as usual 3 classes 8-3
Tuesday: Math Test, 2 classes
Wednesday: Hardest Pharm test of semester
Thursday: Clinical 9-6
Friday: Clinical 6-2:30
Saturday: HEHI exam, POC due
Monday: Group Paper Due
Tuesday: 8 page paper due
So the good news so far is that I got a much need 100% on the math test, the Pharm Test was not as bad as I thought it would be so hopefully that means I did well, and we can finalize the group paper Sat. Now all I have to do is figure out how to take care of a patient while studying for my HEHI exam...hmmm...probably not a good idea. Everything else is smooth sailing...Thanksgiving Break then back for exams. This semester is flying!

Sometimes the doctor orders a good cry...

Around week 2, the director of our program said that around week 5 and 6 people start having melt downs. Week 5 passed, I was cool. Week 6 passed, still nothing. I should have known that my stubbornness would delay my breakdown to week 10. It is Sunday night before my "hell" week and instead of doing more much needed studying, I am going to go into the office turn off the lights and proceed to cry. I feel as though I don't have a grasp on anything right now. I am not adding any help financially to the house and at this time of year (holiday purchases, holiday travel) this is not good. Are we hurting no, but am I tired of my husband making references to th e fact that I could/should have kept my old job for another year (not that there aren't times when I don't miss getting waxed and getting my hair done every other week), YES. So, he's grumpy, I'm grumpy; I just wish I could fix it. Is it possible to have a sparkling clean house, fit back into my size 6 jeans (w/o loss of circulation to my brain), look half-way fashionable, cook for my husband, fit in sex, get good grades, and not be addicted to some sort of performance enhancing drug? I didn't think so. That cool, now if you will excuse me, I am going to pretend its my party and choose to cry because I want to...You would cry too if grad school happened to you!

P.S. I did pass all my check off's.

That's Lt. Baby Catcher!

Applause, cheering, jumping with exitement...keep it coming ladies and gentlemen, because I got the scholarship!!!! The USAF picked me. In a few weeks, I will be 2nd Lt. Harris. Then in 6 semesters, I will be a midwife. I have to keep reminding myself of these things so that I can keep a positive attitude even when I think what I am doing is dumb. Okay, off to study! Just thought I would let you know.