School days...

My friend minority midwife has truly piqued my interest. She speaks of no more midwifery students until programs can support them. I agree five million percent. So we all signed up for this program realizing that we would be traveling for our clinicals. However, we were all under the impression that our wishes to be near family or friends would be taken into some sort of consideration. Absolutely not the case. We might as well have drawn names out of a hat for clinical placement. Please don't get me wrong, I understand how difficult it must be to find good sites for 20 students in a state where midwifery is just not catching on yet. My issue is either don't let so many students into the specialty or don't give us the false impression that the faculty is trying to make this as manageable as possible. Just tell us "hey we don't really know where would be the best clinical site for you based on your personality or skill set, so this is random, sorry." It would still suck, but at least it would be out in the open and our option to deal. An hour okay, but 3 hours twice a week that is a lot. And how are we supposed to afford additional gas and hotel lodging? Oh yes, we have the option of filling out piles of paperwork to get additional LOAN money. Come on school that I am donating $985 per credit hour to, surely y'all can come up with some scholarship money to help negate the expense. Amazing, absurd, whatever you want to call it. This is the life of a midwifery student.

Hello hormones

I just broke down sobbing because we are out of cheese and I am sleepy. My uterine occupant is making me crazy. Poor hubby really thought something was wrong. And it is crunch time at school, kill me now.

November is here!

Yesterday was a powerful day for me. Now, I can truly tell my son (or daughter) that he a brown man can be anything he wants to be when he grows up. I get choked up thinking about my aunties and other family members marched and sat in and faced tear gas for moments just like this. I can't believe this. This is absolutely amazing. The president-elect is a QUALIFIED man of color. Now we just need to cover him in the blood and keep him safe, the Lord has plans for him!

I had my first ultrasound on Monday and it was the most exciting 5 minutes of my life, lol. It was so quick. The funniest moment of the morning was seeing my husband eyes get the size of baseballs when he saw the transvaginal probe they were using. Poor guy was thinking a lil gel on the tummy and up comes the picture. He is incredible: supportive, helpful, excited. I honestly could not ask for anything else. I love my man!

School is actually looking up, I have been kicking butt on my exams recently. Doing quite a bit of make up for the first round of exams. I am exhausted but making it. So if I can just make it past Thanksgiving I think I will enjoy getting reasonably round. 

Concerns

It is very difficult to sit in a class discussing all the things that can go wrong during pregnancy while you are pregnant. Blighted ovum, molar pregnancy, ectopics, neural tube defects...and the list goes on and on. All I can do is take my prenatal vitamins and trust in God. While I know pregnancy is normal my hormones DON'T! I am worried, okay I said it out loud I am worried. Every twinge or cramp makes me run through mental lists of complications. I don't wanna tell the hubby because I don't want to worry him. I just need to make it past Thanksgiving into my second trimester maybe that will calm me down, just maybe but prolly not.

Next topic, I am huge. Like can't put on regular jeans or non-baggy shirts huge. My friends say they can only see it in my face, however the husband and I see it everywhere. I am 6wks 1 d and I have already gone up a cup size and gladly put on my maternity pants every day. The family joke is that there are two in there...TWINS! Ummm, not sure how I feel about that. The even more ironic thing is that I have had two very vivid dreams about having twins (one prior to any rumblings about twins from the family).  Would that be possible...? 

Ummm where did September go?

So I looked at the calendar and realized what the damn its October! So lets recap.... 

1. On September 4, I got my IUC removed (it was good for two years until I kept getting cysts on my ovaries).

2. On September 15, I became declared minimally competent by the state of Tennessee as a professional nurse...i.e. I passed the N-Clex and became an RN.

3. September 30, I survived my first round of exams as a midwifery student...not exactly pretty but okay.

4. October 2, I found out I am expecting our first child...yep I'm PREGGERS!

5. October 3, I realized how incredibly blessed I am to have such a great husband and great friends.

6. October 6, I had the best conversation ever with a fellow student midwife...baby dust to you friend!

Did you get all of that? Yup it has been a busy month! A very exciting, ever changing, busy month. 

I'm Back

According to my school, I am now a midwifery student.  Did you hear that? I am a MIDWIFERY STUDENT!...No more lectures on handwashing, no more awful blue scrubs, no more "fill in the blank on whateva I hated about my first year". I am sure I sounded this excited the first few weeks of the program last year at this time, but it is different, I promise. I have had the ah ha moment in my life that I pray my hubby finds soon, lol. I am supposed to be a midwife, I am focused and eager to learn at the first mention of menses. Its like losing your favorite pair of jeans and then finding them a month later. Its just right. However, I have faced my first ethical issue...the "Pap"athon. This is where we students participate in providing women who otherwise may have not been able to afford a pelvic exam an opportunity to receive a free pap. That's how I have decided to believe all my classmates feel about this event and not as a way to simply get more pap experience...that is what will let me sleep at night. So, I heard the ACNM conference was great last year and we were told to be prepared to spend $1000 on it this year...ouch. Guess no vacation with the hubby unless I can petition the office of diversity to sponsor me. Any suggestions? I ordered my new school shoes I will post them later ;)

Dissatisfaction

Lately my main reassuring thought is "It could be worse." The more I think that, the sadder I realize it is. I have rarely depended on other people for my happiness, rarely depended on others for much of anything really. However, it can be sad and very difficult to have little to no expectations for people or situations. At the same time, it is so much easier to expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised than raising expectations and getting hurt over and over. I am not sure if this specific to anyone person or situation, it just "is". I know I am blessed, I know I am gifted so what right do I have to not be happy? So, I will continue to play an extremely happy person on tv. And no matter how dissatisfied or blah I feel, I will always resolve to saying "It could be worse."